Aya Speaks Apology

By Talismanicidols on July 1, 2016

Anderson Debernardi

Image created by Anderson Debernardi

Last week I went to a location in The Netherlands to assist in the kitchen at an Ayahuasca workshop.  I do this each time I come to visit my family here.  

The group is great.  You can find them on FB as Life, Health, Happiness, Open Paths.  I’ve been able to go very deep in these ceremonies.  

It just so happens that this particular ceremony came after making a post about animal consumption.  

As expected there were many who were fine with the post and a few who weren’t.  I knew that a few feathers would be ruffled and it didn’t bother me.  In fact I find it quite important for me to constantly be confronted by my choices.  

I was also confronted by my reaction to the negative responses.  I didn’t even respond in words but I noticed a callousness in my reception.  And that’s just as disrespectful to myself if I don’t reconcile these negative thinking patterns I can spiral into.   

So I did expect these reactions from other people on such touchy topics…


However, I didn’t expect to come face to face with it so heavily in ceremony.  Actually, I did expect it.  Of course I did.  I know Aya well enough to know that just when you think you have an answer or a confirmation about a decision (especially one with so much controversy) you’ll find just how flimsy that answer is.  Most answers are flimsy.  

Lesson 1

At first I felt every harsh word that ever left my lips for another pair of ears from the receiving end.  I felt the receiving end of every decision to close myself off emotionally from someone who craves emotional openness.  

After that hard wave hit me I started to feel a lift in my energy.  “Ah great.  This was a nice lesson.  I’m glad it’s finally coming to an end…. right?”


Lesson 2

Another wave struck me and I felt the brooding pain of animals and humans.  Factory farming, war-torn areas, unconscious or abusive pet owners or parents.  Living conditions the lack the basic necessities of life let alone the love and compassion which are the true fruits of this life.

I felt the separation of the mothers and children when humans intervene with a “better idea”.  Human trafficking, animal peddling, all of it.  

My stomach turned and hurt but I couldn’t purge… couldn’t get it out.  So it just kept turning and boiling.

I saw the eyes of suffering in a beautiful and horrible light show and saw a laundry list of my behaviors, decisions and actions I habitually that cause force and harm.

I felt so much sadness and pain but the worst of it all was that I was left with no answers.   I still haven’t found any wise words or clear message from the experience.  At least not in words.

Native American tribe comments on modern culture 

I want to say I’m sorry.  To all whom I’ve offended by expressing my opinions on consuming animals.  To everyone I’ve ever been harsh to.

I wish I could take back a lot of things I’ve done, even though they’ve taught me so much.  I wish I could give back all the life I’ve been responsible for taking.  All the unintended consequences of my actions… I wish I knew a better groove to fall into that made more sense but I have to be honest.  Neither decision has felt absolute and correct.  The grey area is everywhere.

I’m really struggling right now.  I wish I came out of that Ayahuasca ceremony with a firm stance.  I wish it were as simple as starting off on one side of the fence and ending up on the other, but I see the fence and yet feel so removed from either side.  

These issues are much larger than I am.  

I feel humbled by my experience last week and I want to emphasize how sincerely I care about those people that I upset with my last two posts.  I’m open to talking privately, or however, with anyone who wants to share some words with me.  I know there is more on this long twisty path for me to learn.  I’m open to listen.  

There are some people out there who seem to get on so confidently with their decisions.  I usually do too, but there are a few topics that I must admit I feel more and more confused about the more I investigate.

Thank you all for listening.




Categories: Dahli's Journey, The Student, Uncategorized.